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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27864109">Fifty Ways to Lose Your Lover</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/PallasPerilous/pseuds/PallasPerilous'>PallasPerilous</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Bisexual Dean Winchester, Castiel Loves Dean Winchester, Coda, Crack Treated Seriously, Dean Winchester Can't Say "I Love You", Dean Winchester Loves Castiel, Dean Winchester Says "I Love You", Destiel Becoming Canon On 5 November 2020 (Supernatural), Episode: s15e18 Despair, Fix-It, M/M, Metafiction, Queer Castiel (Supernatural), Screenplay/Script Format, Writing, canon non-compliant</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:54:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,106</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27864109</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/PallasPerilous/pseuds/PallasPerilous</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's love confession scene is proving difficult to nail down. SURELY the characters will settle down in the next draft.</p><p>SURELY.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel/Dean Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>200</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>1214</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>The Destiel Fan Survey Favs Collection</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Fifty Ways to Lose Your Lover</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p></p><div class="row"><p> </p><p> </p>
<p></p><div class="column middle"><p class="slug">
      <b>“Despair” Studio Draft 09/18/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE </b><br/>
<b>INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="act">
      <em>CASTIEL is verging on tears, joy and sorrow fighting for dominance. He knows what he’s about to say will be enough to summon THE EMPTY to claim him forever.<br/>
<br/>
DEAN is still struggling to process, but a terrible understanding is beginning to dawn on his face.</em>
    </p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(tearfully)</em> I love you, too...<br/>
<br/>
...buddy<br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="char">CASTIEL<br/>
<em>(Sighs grimly.)</em></p><p class="slug"><br/>
<b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/19/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE </b><br/>
<b>INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(meaningfully)</em><br/>
I know.</p><p class="dlogue">...Haha sorry dude I’ve just always wanted to say that</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>CASTIEL opens the door for THE EMPTY and wordlessly walks into the sweet embrace of OBLIVION. </em>
    </p><p><br/>
</p><p class="slug">
      <b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/20/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE<br/>
INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Cass, man...I...how long have you felt this way?</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Maybe...season 6? But I would’ve...<br/>
<em>(He pauses, overcome with emotion, then steadies himself to meet Dean’s gaze.) </em><br/>
But I would’ve totally dicked down by mid-season 4.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Are you...are you fucking kidding me? That’s twelve seasons, Cass!! <em>Network length </em>seasons!</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">I didn’t think you could possibly reciprocate –</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">I had DESPERATION SEX with KETCH, Cass. ARTHUR KETCH. I had to get a TETANUS BOOSTER after that shit!  What the FUCK!</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>The pounding at the DOOR abruptly ceases. </em>
    </p><p class="char"><em><br/>
</em>THE EMPTY (O.S.)</p><p class="dlogue">Hey, so, this is getting weird, I think I’m gonna take off. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Wait, no–</p><p class="slug"><br/>
<b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/21/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE<br/>
INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">(<em>tearfully)</em><br/>
Bazinga.</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>CASTIEL opens the door and hurls DEAN into the glistening maw of THE EMPTY. </em>
    </p><p class="slug">
      <b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/22/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE<br/>
INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char"><b><br/>
</b>CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(tearfully)</em><br/>
I love you, too.</p><p class="char"><br/>
BILLIE (O.S.)</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(Muffled, through DOOR)</em><br/>
Pay up, bitch!</p><p class="char"><br/>
THE EMPTY (O.S.)</p><p class="dlogue">Fuck!! </p><p class="char">BILLIE (O.S.)</p><p class="dlogue">There’s an ATM twenty minutes from here up 281. I’ll wait.</p><p class="char">THE EMPTY (O.S.)</p><p class="dlogue">Uggggggh</p><p class="slug">
      <b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/23/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE<br/>
INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char"><b><br/>
</b>CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">I love you, too.</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Oh.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">...what?</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Uh. Wow. I just...didn’t anticipate this. I’m...not sure what to say. I kind of thought the EMPTY would, you know, take me. Before you could say anything back.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Huh. Good job on the wards, I guess.</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Thank you.</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>A beat.</em>
    </p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(nervous laugh)</em><br/>
I really thought the EMPTY would have taken me by now.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Do you want me to check on her, or...?</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">If you wouldn’t mind. I just worry.</p><p class="char"><br/>
THE EMPTY</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(Opening door)</em><br/>
Haha I’m fine guys, this is hilarious. Seriously Castiel, I’m super flattered that you think I could  come up with anything worse than dating an unemployed closeted dude in his forties who’s obsessed with Zeppelin and lives with his adult brother in a basement in rural Kansas, LMAOOOO enjoy couple’s therapy, bitch</p><p class="slug">
      <b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/24/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE<br/>
INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(tearfully)</em><br/>
I love you, too.</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">I mean that I love you in a romantic way. Just to be clear.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">No, I get it. Same.</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Sexually also. I mean, probably? Not super clear on that one, but I’m open to experimentation.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">I am ready to explore that with you at whatever pace and in whatever way is comfortable for all involved.</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Just making sure we’re on the same page, here: this is a homosexual declaration of romantic love.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Yep. Super gay. ...queer?</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">No, I like queer. It’s inclusive.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">An umbrella term, yeah. Reclaimed and shit.</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Because, while we’re both male-presenting, and I don’t want to diminish the significance of that, I’ve got a whole potential genderfluid situation going on, maybe also on the ace spectrum, and you’re...do you prefer bi, or pan, or...?</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Bi works. But, you know, 2020 style.</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Right, so meaning you experience attraction to more than one gender, not just two binary genders.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(finger guns)</em><br/>
Bingo.</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">This has been a very helpful conversation.</p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Yeah. I’m so happy we finally got to talk about this stuff, man.</p><p class="char">CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">So am-</p><p class="act">
      <em>THE EMPTY bursts through the door, seizes CASTIEL, and vanishes again.<br/>
<br/>
DEAN sighs.</em>
    </p><p class="slug"><br/>
<b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/25/20 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE<br/>
INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char"><b><br/>
</b>CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Don’t do this, Cass.</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Yeet!</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>CASTIEL throws DEAN against the far wall as THE EMPTY pushes through the door.</em>
    </p><p class="char"><br/>
THE EMPTY</p><p class="dlogue">Yeet?? C’mon man, this is my last scene. I don’t even have a line, I’m just a fucking special effect. Throw me a bone here. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">I apologize. Let’s go again.</p><p class="char"><br/>
THE EMPTY</p><p class="dlogue">Thank you.</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(clears throat)</em><br/>
Yoink me, Void Daddy.</p><p class="char"><br/>
THE EMPTY</p><p class="dlogue">Oh my god.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="slug">
      <b>&gt;<br/>
“Despair” Studio Draft 09/25/20 #2 DO NOT DISTRIBUTE<br/>
INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT. (CONT.)</b>
    </p><p class="char"><b><br/>
</b>CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">...I love you.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Nice try, Chuck. Now let him go.</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>CHUCK appears, looking miffed. CASTIEL suddenly relaxes, like a puppet whose strings have been cut.</em>
    </p><p class="char"><br/>
CHUCK</p><p class="dlogue">Shit. How did you figure it out? </p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Cass and I hooked up all the way back in 9x06, man. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CHUCK</p><p class="dlogue">Wh...no you didn’t! The crew just lost the light but had to wrap the sequence!</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">That’s exactly what we <em>wanted </em>you to think. We’ve been together ever since.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">We had a vow <em>renewal</em> ceremony last month when we legally adopted Jack. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">It was very moving. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CHUCK</p><p class="dlogue">This is insane. You can’t do this! I control everything that happens in this universe!</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Becky taught us about coda fics, Chuck. And that was all the opening we needed. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Dean. It’s time.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">I’m ready.</p><p class="char"><br/>
CHUCK</p><p class="dlogue">Wh...what are you doing?</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">Your power only extends to shots that make it to air, Chuck. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CHUCK</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(glancing at watch)</em><br/>
No. NO.</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue">That was a very long speech you had me deliver. Almost enough to take us to end credits. And then on to another show entirely. </p><p class="char"><br/>
CHUCK</p><p class="dlogue">I think it’s OUTPOST. I haven’t...I haven’t even watched it.</p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Jack likes it okay.</p><p class="char"><br/>
CHUCK</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(sputtering)</em><br/>
You bastards. You may try to fuck with me between eps, but whatever happens to me still has to fit logically with the situation at the beginning of the next episode!  </p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Ah, yes. Tell me, who’s writing the next episode, Cass?</p><p class="char"><br/>
CASTIEL</p><p class="dlogue"><em>(with sinister resolve)</em><br/>
Bucklemming.</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>The blood drains from CHUCK’s face. </em>
    </p><p class="char">DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">Then I’d say...</p><p class="act"><br/>
<em>CASTIEL shakes his ANGEL BLADE out into his hand.</em>
    </p><p class="char"><br/>
DEAN</p><p class="dlogue">...Sky’s the limit.<br/>
<b></b></p><p class="act">
      <b>SMASH CUT TO CREDITS.</b>
    </p></div></div>
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